Hayes-Compatible

Coming off of their first loss of the season, the Dudley State powerhouse is pitted against the Ithica iTeam in a battle for first place. Key Dudley State quarterback Brett Farve is on a bye this week, probably spending time reviewing what went wrong with his horrible week 6 performance. Farve apologized to the loyal Dudley State Strugglers in a post-game media conference last week. “I have let down myself, my team, my coach, and, most importantly, the Strugglers, with my awful performance this week,” Farve said as he stared down at the podium after taking a swig from the Little Brown Flask. The Strugglers, a die-hard group of fans, are regulars of Struggledome, section 142, rows 23 to 42, where they stand in their Struggler gear from kickoff to the end of the game and never stop cheering no matter what the score, only taking the time to sit between quarters if they sit at all.

For this critical week 7 showdown, Coach Stos appears to have backup David Garrard (Jacksonville) covering for Farve in the controversial quarterback position, a position under review for a potential scoring change in the 2008-2009 season. Coach Stos did not appear worried about the substitution. “Dudley State is prepared to assemble a phalanx and march over the iTeam,” said Stos at the Kirby Street Training Facility on Monday night. League owners are slated to vote on potential changes to quarterback position scoring this week.

Ithica iTeam Coach M. Sager will not be able to vote, however, due to an unspecified leave of absence taken this week, nor will he be able to coach his team in this critical battle for first place. Rumors have surfaced that Coach Sager was sighted earlier this week coming out of a pub in Dublin, Ireland, although this has not been confirmed. Offensive line Coach Bezak has been named to take over team management in his absence, although, at the time of this writing, no roster movement has yet been made.

The surprising iTeam quarterback Derek Anderson (Cleveland) is taking the week off to check out the Cleveland Indians, he seems interested in watching them blow their 3-1 game lead in the AL Championship Series in 7 games to the Red Sox of Boston, and will not be available to play in this critical Week 7 battle. Anderson has had an amazing season this year running the usually shitty Cleveland Brown team. Quarterback Donovan McNabb (Philly) has been on his charger all week long and is apparently at full-charge with yet another firmware upgrade and should be ready to go after a reboot. “There just ain’t nothing like a good, old fashioned reboot,” Coach Sager said Friday before his unexpected leave of absence.

In a battle sure to have playoff implications, the Rabid Biting Gophers of Springfield, Michigan are set to take on Vick’s Rabid Fans. Both teams are sitting near the middle of the pack with a five-hundred record of 3-3. When asked about the possible effect on this week’s critical match-up of an injured shoulder for Gopher top-scorer Tom Brady (QB, New England), Coach Benny was dismissive. “The dude has Giselle,” said Benny as he clutched his recently acquired John Rambo award. “She’ll fix him up good.”

Coach Kreider of Vick’s Rabid Fans was a bit more animated than the laid back Coach Benny. “Lions defense!? Are you kidding me?” shouted Kreider in an interview yesterday. “Who the fuck signs the Lions defense? Is that Kitna on your bench?” Kreider then went on a 20 minute rant about how offended he was about Hines Ward (WR, Pittsburgh) being forced to participate on such a “gunch”-filled team with a “gunch”-faced manager.

Farther back in the standings is yet another separation game, two teams deadlocked with 2-4 records are set to face off at Inline-Six Field. Dirty D’s Nuts, led by Coach Guzman, are coming off of what they hope to be a fluke; a performance of only 56 points at home in week 6 against Don Zaguroli of the Usual Suspects. “Thank god Voigt traded me Edwards earlier in the season or that had the potential for being really embarrassing. I just don’t know why a Michigan man like Voigt would give up on Edwards like that,” said Coach Guzman after the game. Braylon Edwards (WR, Cleveland), a Michigan alum who Guzman will not be able to use this week due to a bye, has been very productive since the trade away from the Sixers for Seattle D/ST in Week 5.

Unfortunately, in an unprecedented move, when Coach Voigt of the Straight Sixers was asked about the Edwards trade, he sucker-punched the reporter right in the face. “It angered me,” said Voigt outside the county jail-house after posting bail. “I can’t believe it. It’s the Cleveland Browns!” said Voigt. “They aren’t who I thought they were! Edwards with 15 points against Baltimore? 11 against New-fucking-England? Are you kidding me? Fuck Cleveland! Playoffs? Browns in the playoffs? God that would suck.”

The favored Sixers do seem confident about this week, however. “Manning is back, Detroit is not going to stop Graham, and hopefully the Jets will bench Pennington,” said Coach Voigt in an interview. “Stos better watch out, Romo is due to have the game of his life against his Purple-People-Eaters,” continued Voigt, referring to the fact that every time Romo is not used in the starting quarterback slot, he outscores Super Bowl champion Peyton Manning. “Manning is going to put up 35 or 40 points on Arizona, which means Romo–who is pissed, by the way–is going to be scoring up around 45 or 50.”

Coach Guzman and his Nuts received a direct kick in the nuts in week 6 losing to Don Zaguroli Usual Suspects meager 58 points, 2 of which scored in the final 2 minutes of the contest. “I can’t believe that happened,” said Zaguroli from his new team headquarters in Seattle, Washington. “I needed the Giants to have a good game and they barely pulled through for me. Thank god for Joey Harrington, for keeping the ball in the Giants’ offense for so long.” Harrington (QB, Atlanta) was 18/39 for 209 with an interception last week at the Giants, totaling an abysmal 6 points.

The Harrington Award, a trophy assigned to the team in the SFL most affected by the former Lions quarterback each week, went to the Screaming Eagles in Week 6. Coach Stamper of the Eagles, 2-4, signed Harrington to play at the last minute after waking up too late to put Carson Palmer (QB, Cincinnati), among other, on the starting line. Coach Stamper was unavailable for comment, allegedly having slept through the interview. “He’s making a real run at the Peter Gibbons Apathy Award sleeping in on his team like that,” SFL commissioner Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster said Wednesday.

If Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster values his elbows, he would do himself well to stay clear of Coach Ant Tartersauce and the Outerspace ROIDS!!!!!!1 as their second quarterback, Kurt Warner (Arizona), has fallen with an elbow injury. “He could have at least not thrown an interception,” said Tartersauce of the -2 points Warner posted, one of two positions on his week 6 roster to do so. Santana Moss (WR, Washington) was the other player to post a -2 score, with Warner effectively negating running back Ahman Green’s performance. “Hey, I still could have beat both teams in that ’special’ match of the Suspecting Nuts,” snapped Tartersauce later in the interview.

“I’m confident,” Coach Ant continued. “The ROIDS are looking at a couple 100+ point weeks coming up. The match-ups are favorable, the byes less obstructive. We’ve reformulated, have new suppliers, and the team should start really feeling the effects during conditioning this week. This losing streak can’t–and won’t–last forever.”

100-plus point weeks are the norm for ROIDS’ week 7 opponent Coach Todd and the Simultaneous Malfunctions. Usually as tight-lipped as the University of Michigan’s media relations, Coach Todd made himself available for interview Monday evening. “It’s been a great year,” said Todd, “Tomlinson is finally turning things around, Hasselbeck is staying consistent, and Adrian Peterson is really starting to tear it up.” Peterson (RB, Minnesota), a late-round acquisition for the Malfunctions, was benched in week 6’s win over Dudley State. “Who knew the once amazing Chicago defense would take a shit right in the middle of the field on Sunday. That Rambo trophy should be the property of the Malfunctions,” he continued, noting that he would have scored a league-record 148 points had he played Peterson in week 6.

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